That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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