he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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