just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We had to coat check the pizza.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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