I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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