Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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