I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
