Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
