My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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