Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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