honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
