I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
