please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
