FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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