just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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