New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Randomize
