Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Randomize