someone get that fucking seahorse.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
