Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
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