Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
