There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
