Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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