So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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