He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
