i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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