Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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