I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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