its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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