I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
