Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
