i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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