had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
