I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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