How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
