i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
