I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
All the doctor said was why
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
