thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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