I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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