so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
