Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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