Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
