After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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