What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
