i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
