You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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