I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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