i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
