My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize