Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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