1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My ass is underappreciated
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize