she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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