i jhust puked up my retainher.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
