My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
