Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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