so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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