So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
