this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
