Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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