he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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