My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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