sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
