and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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