My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
