Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
