I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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