I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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