Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
