She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
