What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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